Sermons

Atheist Church Service 17 August 2014

Welcome!

It’s been some weeks since we last met, but no doubt you’ve had much more important things to do with your Sunday mornings – sleep, eat, waste time on your computer, go shopping – all the important things in life. But it’s time to reinforce each other, because we need that. Solidarity, you know? After all, we stand for the highest aspirations of modern society, though I’m not sure what they are, but we do stand for them!

So, let’s do just that. Let’s stand and sing:

Good Bless America!

Offering.

Ok, now we’ll take our offering, of course. But just a reminder, we’re not like those religious hypocrites. We use your money for good causes, like writing our next book about why religion is bad and God doesn’t exist, or fighting kids who want to say “Merry Christmas,” and other evils that are destroying the world.

Message: Is Anybody Out There?

I was inspired to preach this message by a recent article I read in National Geographic magazine. It is obvious to thinking people that sooner or later we are going to make “contact” with alien civilizations.

Now, the problem I want to raise this morning is, “What if they believe in God?” That horrible thought occurred to me in a nightmare I had last night. What I’m saying is, here we are fighting a battle to bring 8 billion people in line with what we believe about what we don’t believe, and all of a sudden we make contact with alien civilizations who believe what we don’t believe, so here we go again having to convince them to not believe what we don’t believe. Am I clear on that? I think we need to alert the folks at SETI of this development, so that we can come up with a contingency plan. Here’s a preliminary idea.

Ok, we start with meeting the Aliens. We make contact. They say, “Take us to your Leader.” Now we have a problem. We need to get hold of them before somebody else takes them to the President of the USA, or the pope, or some ayatollah, or Timothy Leary’s ghost. Actually that latter would be ok with us, but we need something more tangible.

Richard Dawkins! So we grab the Aliens, and immediately whisk them off to stand before RD. They are mightily impressed. Now comes the hard part. The Aliens say, “Our leader is God.” What do we do? We immediately whisk them off to Roswell, New Mexico, where we can divert their attention, but we don’t let them know that we dissected one of their fallen comrades and made a movie of it. We just have a good time with them and show them all our Alien amusement centers.

Then we take them to the nearest shopping mall. They quickly learn how much fun it is to spend Earth money on frivolities. We tell them that this is one way we worship, but no god is necessary in this religion. Soon the Aliens are converted materialists, and we’ve done our job.

Now, that’s just my idea of the best way to convert any God-believing Aliens. No doubt someone will come up with something better. But first, we need to make “contact.” So, put on your “contact lenses” and start seeing the world through Alien eyes!

Our closing song this morning will be “People Are Strange,” by The Doors.

We certainly hope you have a profitable week, so next time you come you can give even more to our noble cause! Be sure to tell your neighbor the “good news” of Atheism: You came. You saw. You died. A simple “three point” message and the only real hope for our world!