Sermons

Check Out the Atheist/Evolutionist “Church” Service

We here at EvolutionIsStupid.com got to thinking about how Atheists and Evolutionists miss out on Sunday mornings. We’re sure you probably feel guilty sometimes, especially if you were brought up in one or another of those “religions,” if you know what we mean, so we have devised a little Nature Worship service for you. We hope it makes you feel good about yourself, because, after all, what else should we really live for? We’re just trying to survive, right?

Invocation:

O Time, Who somehow managed to jury rig everything just right over millions of years, complete your work in me so that I may reach perfection before I return to the dust to become fodder for other evolving things.

Hymn: Faith of our Ape Fathers

Faith of our ape fathers, living still,
All thanks to Darwin’s book of pith
O how our clubs beat at the thrill
Whenever we read that glorious Myth!

Refrain

Faith of the caveman, wholly faith!
We will be true to thee till death.

Faith of our ape forebears, we will strive
To win all nations till it’s believed.
And through the stories that we contrive
We all shall then be truly deceived.

Refrain

Faith of the caveman, wholly faith!
We will be true to thee till death!

Faith of Evolutionists, we beseech
Send us mutations to keep us alive
Natural selection is what we’ll preach
Only the fittest should survive.

Refrain

Faith of the caveman, wholly faith!
We will be true to thee till death!

(And after that, we can only hope, dearly beloved, that our dust will return to the stars!)

Offering
We’ll try to be a little discreet with this, but we DO need your money! The baskets are on the way!

Sermon: We Are Stardust

by Dr. PhD Emeritus Graduate of Every High and Mighty University in the World with Whom Ye Should Be Heavily Impressed

I came upon a child named Lucy as she was walking along the road. I asked her, Where are you going? She said I’m going down to the Leakey farm, going to join in with a bunch of paleontologists. I’ve got to get back to my roots, and set my soul free.

I’m going to “Apestock!” The Leakeys are hosting a bunch of rockers, I mean, like, they really dig rock. And they come up with some incredible stories about our former human “stock,” so they call it, like, “Apestock,” man!   She said,

“We are stardust, we are golden, we are billion year old carbon, And we got to get ourselves back to the garden.”

Well, I went down to the farm too, and there were, like, people from all over. It was one big evolutionary love fest, and from the looks of it, many of them were reverting back to our savage ancestry. They were smoking and stuff, you know? I mean, like, it’s a dog-eat-dog world and we have to escape somehow!

And I learned this lesson from them:

“We are stardust, we are golden, we are billion year old carbon, And we got to get ourselves back to the garden.”

Amen.

(With appreciation to Crosby, Stills, Nash and Young for their inspiration.)

Thanks for stopping by! SEE YOU NEXT SUNDAY!