Sermons

Sermon: 50 Shades of Atheism

Ye Atheists (and Evolutionists) are quite aware that the Bible has not changed in thousands of Years. And that Theology has beene somewhat systematyzed, so that if you look up somethynge like the word “Trinity” for example, you will find Definitions that are generalley in agreement, somethynge like “God in three persons.”

Ahh, but what exactley are the “Tenets” of Atheism? Have they been laide out clearley such that all goode Atheists, whatever “goode” means, should be Clear as to what they convey? I do not thinke so, therefore this Morning we are going to seeke to define what exactley it is we believe so that Ye Heathen Religionists can be defeated before they even open their Mouthes to condemn us.

I do apologize if the Sermon Title led Ye Atheists to believe this was going to be something more titillating. I know that sex perversion immersion is high on your Priority list, but Ye Atheists have to focus on somethynge other now and then.

So, here, for the first Tyme, are the Tentative Tenets of Atheism:

  1. Be it decreed that there is no God. Or at least we think there is no God. Or at least we hope there is no God.
  2. Be it decreed that all Atheists are “Freethinkers,” which means that we are Free of Thinkinge, or have Freedom from Thought.
  3. Honor thy Degrees and thy Education. They are all Ye have.
  4. If Ye Religionists accuse Ye Atheists of wasting an aweful lot of Tyme fighting against somethynge you insist does not exist, tell Ye Religionists to hit ye Road.
  5. Ye Atheists will not believe in Prayer. However, the “Luck of Ye Irish,” “Fate,” “Faith that Science will find Ye Answers,” “Fortune,” and “Ye Luckey Stars” are permissible beliefs.
  6. Be it decreed that Atheism has no Meaninge. Nor does Life. Nor does Existence. Nor does Anything. Which means that perhaps I had better take Ye Rest as my Minde has gone completely free of Thinkinge.

I do hope this Sermon has brought some Meaninge to your Existence.

Oh, pardon me, that violates Tenet #6. I must needs get back to fighting non-God. Do have a goode Weeke.

Thy Atheist Pastor and Guardian of Fooles

Offering
We’ll try to be a little discreet with this, but we DO need your money! The baskets are on the way!

And now we shall sing

“Dawk the Knife”

(sung to the tune “Mack the Knife”)

Oh, the dark, babe, has such teeth, dear
As he thinks of, what book to write
Just a book called, “God Delusion”
That will keep God, out of sight

On a sidewalk, this Sunday mornin’
Lies an Atheist, just oozin’ life
Someone’s sneakin’, ’round a corner
Could that someone, be Dawk the Knife?

Did ya hear ’bout, Chrissy Hitchens?
How no God helped him, earn all his cash
And how O’Hair spent, just like a sailor
Could it be they, done something rash?

So this Sunday, while you’re free thinkin’
It’s not about Lucy, or old Piltey-down
I mean, I tell you, there’s no wrong or right, babe
Now that Dawkeeeeeeeeeeey’s

Back in tooooown! Look out, Old Dawkey’s back!